Ham and Hootchie Heels (TM Mike)

The rest of the things I want to say about Miami are just sort of random thoughts.

Cuban coffee is SO delicious. I think it could probably cause me to go into a sugar-induced coma, but it is delicious.

Everything here has ham in it. When I got in on Saturday afternoon, I was super tired, so I made Brianne take me to get coffee. We went to this café that also had a crazy amount of Cuban pastries. They don’t really have signs to tell you what is in what things, but being a fearless eater, I just ordered anyway. I got what looked like a mozzarella stick, but ended up having some sort of ham paste in it. Yes, I said ham paste. It was fantastic. I know it sounds disgusting. Then when we went to dinner, I ordered a white bean soup, which had bacon, and sausage, and ham bits in it! (What a magical animal!) The only ham product I didn’t see being sold was hot ham water. (AD shout out)

In general, I think it would be really hard to be a vegetarian here. People in Miami appear to love meat. Mike flew in on Sunday afternoon, so we went to Cuban food that night for dinner. Brianne told us to get vacas fritas since her family loves it. We both did, and it was basically a gigantic plate of (fried?) beef with garlic and lime. It was fantastically, ridiculously over the top. I would gain about a million pounds if I lived here!

I did not think it possible, but Disneyland has been dethroned as the best place for people watching. South Beach kicks Disneyland’s ass! Sure, Disneyland has the numbers, but it can’t compete with the quality of the people watching. These women walked by us with the craziest shoes I have ever seen. One of them was wearing these fuchsia heels that had mirrors on them (!!), and the other one was wearing heels that I believe were in the shape of a woman (the heel part) and looked like they were made out of glass. As we passed them, I said, “I’m entranced.” Brianne misheard me and thought I called them tramps. I was speaking rather loudly so I hope they did not similarly mishear me! Almost every person we passed was wearing at least one item of clothing that was unbelievably ridiculous. It really still looks like the 80s. Whatever you are imagining Miami to be like in your head right now, is basically the way that it is. It absolutely met my expectations. While waiting to use the bathroom, I was talking to the woman in front of me, and she had the most plastic surgery I have ever seen in real life. It was disconcerting. Never do that!

Please watch “Cocaine Cowboys.” It is so absurd. It is about the cocaine trade in Miami in the late seventies and eighties. I will just tell you that actual cougars, not older women, make an appearance in the film. Hopefully, that is enough to get you on board.

The Miami airport is the worst airport I have been to yet. Mike and I got there two hours early for his flight and three hours early for my flight. We had this grand plan to check-in to our respective flights, go through security, eat dinner and then go our separate ways. The first hurdle we faced was how far apart our airlines were. After literally walking from one end of the airport to the other, we had to go back to get to Mike’s airline. In our excitement over gawking at the café in the airport that was from the same owners of my ham paste curiosity, we passed his airline. Then, after he checked in, we walked back to the shortest security line we had seen, which was, we thought, at least one benefit of our long walk. When I walked up to the guy checking boarding passes, he laughed at me and said we were in the wrong area. I told him I knew this wasn’t the closest security line, but couldn’t we go through anyway. That’s when we found out that the gates aren’t all connected. So Mike and I had to try to find a restaurant outside of security. By this point, we were delirious with hunger and dissolved into giggles in the middle of walking to the next restaurant because of our horrible decision-making. Or maybe we dissolved into tears. I don’t remember. I think my hippocampus is shielding me from traumatic events. Regardless, Mike and I had hit killer fatigue. It’s taken many a good Amazing Race team down. We eventually just picked a close place to eat before heading off in opposite directions.

This is where the story starts making me really mad! Since Mike and I had seen all the security lines, I knew that I had two options, and one of the options was the so-called “main security gate.” Obviously, this had a long line, so I went to the other option. Well fucking Miami International must plan to trick people this way, because to get to my security line I was funneled through this tunnel and emerged into a gigantic custom-sized room full of people waiting for security lines. I got further separated into one of two lines, and, just my luck, it was the one with one dude checking IDs and two actual machines vs. the four machines they had going on the other side. It took me forty minutes to get through security, and it I was super sweaty and hot the whole time. At one point, I had to bite my lip so that I wouldn’t scream like an impatient child! Hee!

I have some pictures I will post of the beach later, but I think this is long enough for now. I would like to give a shout-out to the Phoenix airport where I am currently using the free wifi. I wish all airports were so generous Phoenix!